D: "Hi! How you doing?"
D: "Stop! Okay, stop! Okay, okay. When Dan and Phil come out on the stage you don't play 'Party Rock Anthem'. Okay, seriously."
D: "So VidCon, how you doin tonight? Are you good?"
D: "We need to ask: 'Does anyone here know who we are?' You don't want to be that guy, who just presumes it."
P: "No. But in case you don't, I'm Phil."
D: "You did it the wrong way round. You had literally one job."
D: "Hi my name is Dan."
P: "And my name is Phil."
D:"Oh good, I see some of you recognized us. Well hello, there we are, for anyone who didn't know who we are."
P: "Shouldn't you have introduced yourself as Daniel though?"
D: "Ok. Ha ha ha. Yeah. Good one. I think that we're intimate enough, as a group of people, that you can just call me Dan. It's okay, I won't get offended."
D: "Hey Phil, I feel like we're all as close to you, what could we shorten yours to?"
(Phil avoids Dan's nickname question)
P: Well I mean, I've got a thing about stages, I tend to mess up on a stage."
P: "I've had, one time I had my fly unzipped the whole time. Until a mum said 'we saw everything'."
D: "You're in the danger zone, people down there, seriously."
P: "And then at TATINOF I did fall off the stage, so I've been told I can't go towards any of the edges."
D: "Its actually the Shamu splash zone." (rude)
(Phil mimes falling)
D: "Well um, we were brought here today to be sort if the wholesome, community, come together, end to the night. Cause were Dan and Phil, talking on the stage, it's casual, it's fun, just fine, you could say that that describes it."
(Dan's mic goes muffled)
P: "I'd say it's going to be more of a horror story."
D "Some of you may have noticed, that we were coming here about two days ago. Did you notice that?"
P: "Yeah"
D: "So, how is it that no one saw us and we just arrived? We have something kinda terrible to admit."
P: "Something terrible happened."
D: "My microphone? Is it bad? What do I sound like in yours?"
D: "I have an underwater microphone here."
P: "That sounds okay."
D: "Um, well, we have something harrowing to admit. It might not be the fun, peaceful end of the night that you all expected, but the thing that you know from our careers is that sharing our pain makes other people happy. So do wanna share..."
(cheering encouraged by Phil)
P: "It's gonna be like an exclusive story time with Dan and Phil."
D: "We are never gonna (mic comes back on) Oh hello! Bloody hell! A bit of my inner Ron Weasley came out there. This is something that we will never tell again, so this is an experience just between us and you this evening. We'll tell this together, um, how..."
P: "Let's just say- Lets just say what happened."
D: "Okay, um-"
D&P in unison: "We missed our flight!"
D: "It is a miracle that we're even stood here right now. And we've had the worst two days of our entire lives..."
P: "Yes."
D: "...literally just now."
P: "It all started with a dream."
D: "Like any good Hollywood movie, a dream sequence that makes no sense."
P: "Now I had a dream that Dan lost his passport."
D: "Which I'd never do, because I am incredibly organized."
P: "Yeah."
D: "But that's not a very interesting dream."
P: "I mean Benedict Cumberbatch was there riding on the back of a unicorn". (cheering)
D: "Yeah. I'm sure that that's just like a safe for work version for whatever *was* going on in your head, that we probably don't want to know about."
P: "Something was... But that's how it started. Anyway, we woke up the morning of the morning of our flight. Everything was fine. We had a breezy morning."
D: "You know that's the last day you ever have a breezy morning, when you're going to an airport. You're screaming, everything's on fire, you're panicking, your family's breaking down. But on this day-"
P: "Everything was going right."
D: "... so smooth. You have no idea. We were just lazin about. Just like watching three episodes of an anime in the morning, just because we could. It was all fine."
P: "(garbled) closes the gate, the taxi arrives. We were ready. Took the casing down to the taxi."
D: "It was (like), we had so much time, that I changed my outfit three times. Because, I was like, I could go outside looking like this, but I have ten minutes. That's how confident we were."
P: "And so we were about to walk out of the door, when Dan went really pale. Like the palest I've ever seen him. Like his whole internet history had been leaked onto the Internet."
(screams from the audience)
D: "Oh, that would be nowhere near. Like that would be, I would be dead if that happened."
P: "You were like this" (Phil imitates Dan standing shocked.)
D: "It was bad."
P: "It was bad."
D: "Umm. It turns out, that I had lost my passport. Uh. At the exact moment- It turns out that I was so confident that I was prepared, and everything was fine, that I just hadn't thought about my passport."
P: "Isn't that the first thing you think of-"
D: "Well I didn't on that day okay?! Like everything was fine, and then we were there, suddenly it was time to go and I was like, the one thing I'm supposed to remember, I don't know where it is, awkward."
P: "So this was all Dan's fault. That's what we're saying."
D: "Woah, woah, woah, woah. There's more to this story, but erm, we went to look for it, uh-"
P: "You said we looked, we had to ransack the house. Just throwing stuff.."
D: "Destroyed everything."
P: "I had to look in Dan's bedside drawer. I'm not going to say what I saw in there."
D: "Whatever you're thinking it's probably not as bad as what Phil saw, honestly I have no idea what I keep in there, seriously. But you know there are places in your house that are like, the surfaces where stuff goes-"
P: "Yeah."
D: "And it usually doesn't make sense, but it's just all the stuff places, where it could possibly- it's going to be in one of these, you know, the stuff piles."
P: "It wasn't on the stuff pile."
D: "It wasn't on the stuff pile. What do you do when it's not on the pile that the stuff would be on? We were flipping-"
P: "Meanwhile the taxi man is honking outside, he's blocking the traffic... I'm like Dan what are we going to do?"
D: "He was threatening to just leave without us, and we were doomed."
P: "Yeah"
D: "And then suddenly, in that sudden moment, I realized 'oh wait I changed my outfit like three times', my passport was in a pair of jeans that is now in my suitcase, in the car."
(Phil face palming and shaking his head.)
P: "Dan."
D: "I was like 'Ack!' We run downstairs and I, I get my suitcase out and I start looking for it."
P: "He was emptying his suitcase into the street. His boxer shorts were on the floor..."(screaming)
D: "Hey, okay, okay! They were clean, lovely underwear, a wonderful thing for any of the passersby to notice."
P: "He was holding up the traffic."
D: "Yeah, it was horrendously embarrassing, but no worries, we found it. Crisis averted..."
P: "We found our passport(s)!"
D: "Surely, plenty of time, we got in the car. Now this day, I'm sure you saw lots of British people being like 'oh it's really warm at the moment'."
P: "It's soo warm!" (Phil growls)
D: "Have you seen that? Well okay, I know if you're from Phoenix, this wasn't... (screaming, England?) but honestly, look at how pale Phil is, okay."
P: "Yeah. I was almost combusting in this taxi."
D: "Us British people, we are so sensitive to the heat, so on this day, if you didn't have the air con on in the car, it was like one of those situations that might kill a dog. You know what I'm talking about?"
P: "Yeah. I felt like I was in a lizard tank. I felt like I couldn't breathe. The windows wouldn't open. And then you had the taxi driver, who was slightly strange. He did know where he was going. It was like the first time he had driven in London, and everything was stopped. We couldn't get anywhere."
D: "We drove past some protesters, he wound down the window and shouted 'Get a job!' Obviously me and Phil being so awkward' we were like..."
(Synchronized hiding behind arms)
P: "Stop it. No."
D: "Internally screaming" (high pitched)
P: "He was swearing at his sat navy and calling it 'love'.
D: "He was actually..."
P: "'No, love, we can't go this way'"
D: "He said some bad things, that we can't repeat."
P: "Like what does he do to that sat navy when we're not here?"
D: "It was a generally traumatizing... Wow, Phil. Um, situation. But it's okay, because when you book a car, to take you to an airport, you allow plenty of time for the journey, don't you?"
P: "Yeah."
D: "So I was looking, and I was like, we've got ages. Suddenly panicked. It had seemed for some reason, we had left an hour later than we were supposed to in the car."
(Phil tenses up, shakes his head and tries to walk away)
D: "Why, why was that, why was the car booked an hour later than it was supposed to be?"
P: "I..."
(crowd is groaning)
D: "No, wait for this, this is a good one, okay?"
P: "I booked it in the wrong time zone."
D: "What?!" (Dan shrieks)
P: "I don't know. I was under pressure."
D: "We're in British Summer Time, which is plus one..."
P: "UHHH!"
D: "Phil literally booked a car in the wrong time zone."
P: "Anyway!"
D: "So after the passport freak out I was like 'don't worry we're fine'. 'We're not fine!'"
P: " 'We're not going to make it!'"
D: "'We're so incredibly not fine right now!'"
P: "So we were slowly getting to the airport. We were on the clock. We had ten minutes to get there. It was ten minutes before everything was over. We were gonna miss the flight, we were gonna miss VidCon. Then we pulled up, we pulled up to the airport, we ran. I've never..."
D: "It's one of those things where you literally have two minutes, between this life or death situation. So it comes down to, are you going to run right now, because how much you exercise, is what's going to decide how this situation unfolds right now. So me and Phil are like, 'Nothing in our life has trained us for this moment, here we go!'"
(Mime running)
P: "I've never done so much exercise before."
D: "That's how we run, to be fair."
P: "I was coughing up blood, I was crawling towards the desk."
D: "I don't remember last time I went to an airport after the bloody Bahamas incident that I had. (screams) In case you don't know, the last time I tried to come into America I got deported to the Bahamas. Good times. Anyways. So again, I was like, I find myself like crying blood, in an airport, because I've been running so much. And when we see the air hostess at the end of the corridor, and she's just like standing and smiling (mirror leg crossing). Surely good news, why would anybody be grinning."
P: "And then with the grin still on her face she said, 'Um sorry, you've missed your flight loves.'"
D: "What do you mean?"
P: "Woah, woah, wait, wait..."
D: "How late are we? And she said 'Ohh we closed bag drop two minutes ago, I'm sorry.'"
P: "Two minutes!"
D: "And we were like 'What?!'" (Dan shrieks)
P: "TWO MINUTES?!" (Phil jumps up and down)
D: "She was like, 'There's nothing I can do, you've missed the flight.' So we were like..."
P: "AHHH!"
D: "... what? We went into like full on freak out mode, because this-"
P: "I just sat on the floor."
(Dan looks at him so fondly. Starts to say something.)
P: "I'm sitting on the floor until you take me on the plane."
D: "I freaked out, Phil just gave up hope completely.
P: "Yep."
D: "Yep. That is Phil's freak out mode. But it was serious, because this flight was supposed to take us here for last night."
P: "Yeah."
D: "We thought surely all the flights to VidCon would be full. We've missed VidCon."
P: "Yeah."
D: "There's literally no way we can... people are just going to turn up to our meet-up and be like..."
(both mime looking around confused)
D: "'Well that was fun, met Dan and Phil', so literally we were on the verge of tears, we were throwing up..."
P: "Yeah."
D: "Everything was terrible."
P: "Until, we found out there was a very early morning flight. That there were two seats left on."
D: "This is one of those flights, where if you had the choice, you would be like 'why would I put myself through that hell? There's no reason. Who would get on a plane at that time?' But me and Phil were like..."
P: "Yep."
D: "'It's this or nothing. Are we going to do it?'"
P: "Yep. We did it."
D: "We decided to get on the flight, in the middle of the night."
P: "Yeah." (Phil nods)
D: "So, literally, okay, without sleeping, from the day before, which was like an early start to the day, to get to the airport."
P: "I think I've been awake for about 47 hours."
D: "I don't even know."
P: "I don't even know."
D: "We got on the plane, this plane landed two hours ago. We literally ran through the airport, got in a car, we're like 'LA traffic, here we are for three weeks'."
P: "Yeah."
D: "Ahh! More internal screaming."
P: "Dan is still wearing the outfit he had on, on the plane."
D: "If you're wondering why it has like a little stain there, I spilled some food on myself, okay? I slept in- I've been wearing this sweater for like two days now? I'm sorry."
P: "I was wondering what that smell was."
D: "You can smell it from here can't you? I'm sorry."
P: "So sorry we look slightly like rats, but... we made it to VidCon!" Phil jumps (screams)
D: "I don't... like honestly, I don't know what you're think from this impression of us, right now, but Phil, how do you feel, physically in this moment?"
P: "I feel like it was all your fault."
D: "Okay, I was hoping that this would get us some like sympathy from the audience but see..."
P: "No."
D: "No. You think it's my fault?"
P: "I think it was all your fault."
D: "No, no, I lost my passport, we looked for it for 20 minutes, you got the car wrong by an hour!"
P: "I think there's just one way to settle this, I think we need to ask these guys, alright?"
D: "Oh I wonder how this is gonna go. Sure alright, lets play the audience blame game."
P: "Who thinks it was my fault?"
(decent amount of cheering)
D: "Which, I'm just gonna say, mathematically is correct, but you know sure, okay fine."
P: "And who thinks it was Dan's fault?"
(louder screams)
D: "Wow. I'm so glad that I didn't sleep for three days to come see you. Can't we just agree that really it was all the cab driver's fault?"
P: "No, it was Dan's fault."
D: "Okay, so I mean, what can we learn from this? This was such a horrendous experience, there must be some kind of moral to the story."
P: "I think the moral to the story is: 'Always believe in Phil's dreams.'"
D: "So it's not 'make sure you've got your passport before you leave..."
P: "No, no, no!"
D: "Make sure the guy driving you knows where the airport is..."
P: "No! It's the dreams!"
D: "Or even like make sure your phone's not like set to like Germany time or something..."
P: "No! It's the Dreams. We're just waiting for Benedict Cumberbatch to trot past on his unicorn."
D: "Okay. A universe where Phil dreams the truth, you should all be terrified. Trust me, that's not a world you wanna live in. So yeah, I mean, was it worth it, did we come all this way just to..."
P: "Thank you."
D: "I really needed to hear that!" (Dan squeals)
P: "Aww."
D: "You see Dan and Phil and think their going to be like so wholesome and fun and we're like 'Death, pain and suffering!'"
(Not sure if Phil just repeats him)
P: "Hopefully this has made you feel better about whatever's been happening with your days."
D: "I think we've all learned something important here, we all feel better, we're just really glad that we got to come here and see you all of you it was defintely worth it..." (screams)
P: "I hope you all have an amazing VidCon."
(Too much screaming)
D: "...See some creators, have some bants..."
P: "And we will see you next time. Bye!" (Phil waves)
D: "See you guys."
dan howell gives me life 
lol
